I found myself in Bucharest, making the most expensive and offensive web-series online at the moment with a spare few hours to myself. Rare opportunity, I had two choices. First a restaurant (comically named Green Garlic) and spend £20-£30 on a gluttonous amount of gastronomic food and effective booze, or alternatively spend £12 on unlimited beers and snacks such as popcorn nachos, tapas type bread-based products at a classy venue. Oh yeah and you get to wear silly classes and watch a film.
I chose the second place which happens to be the Grand Cinema in Baneasa shopping city Bucharest. I had visited previously but due to the ‘professional boozing’ habits of my employers The Hateful Tate brothers, i hadn’t remembered the film and had woken up in my own sick with multiple bruises. This time i swanned into the VIP cinema exchanged a mere £12 for a buffet, unlimited booze and a film, which destiny dedicated would be ‘PASSENGERS’. I was confident that I would have some memory of the film, although early wish i hadn’t.
It started going wrong within the trailers, one of which was the new Will Smith film and the other of course was a rehashed unnecessarily revisited sequel. ‘RINGS’. Yep the scary bitch with the wet hair is back coming through TV’s and no doubt iPads in time for Halloween 2017.
Passengers itself started with a man awaking within a suspended animation hibernation pod, on board a futuristic ship traveling from Earth to fictitious ‘HOMESTEAD II’. He’s baffled and groggy much like me every morning since i arrived in Bucharest. He soon realises he’s the only one awake. Despite his fitting engineering skills he can’t seem to fix his fate, he’s woken up ninety years too early and basically he’s fucked. Doomed to die onboard the ship. A half arsed suicide attempt seduces him before a sleeping Jennifer Lawrence does the same. As a lonely bearded bloke he naturally wakes her up, dooming her to death on the ship as well and they fall into forced-fated & fatal love. Speaking of which i was unaware about this film completely so i wasn’t to know i would be the only single man sat in the shadows, everyone else coupled & canoodling i was tutting while fingering the free popcorn.
Theres a bit of drama towards the end but not much to tell you about without spoiling the already spoilt movie. Theres no reason for anyone to see this, apart from fans of Jennifer Lawrence, her acting is good as always and she does her standard crawling act. Her crawling across tables or floors is soon becoming her Tom Cruise’s Run. Pratt’s ‘classic’ PG humour will appease some fans of his i’m sure. If you like spaceships, sci-fi and effects you may enjoy convince yourself you’ve enjoyed this but know deep down you were tricked here and they’ve just made this for your money. Everyone in the cinema screen are merely passengers onboard a mega money making machine, sold a dream of a decent movie by aesthetically pleasing people and space. Empty space like our simple minds. Its not often i feel ripped off in Bucharest but apart from a few greedy taxi drivers this has been largest regret yet. bare in mind last time i went to the cinema i awoke in sick and covered in bruises.
EGGY RATING – ROTTEN EGG 1/6
Rotten egg 1/6
Questionable date, chance of salmonella 2/6
Sufficient Scrabbled egg 3/6
Brilliant Boiled egg 4/6
Five star Fried Egg 5/6
PERFECTLY POACHED 6/6
eggydave 